My Story

Hey, what's going on? I don't ever know how to start these things. What has television come to? This is so weird. How do kids enjoy this crap? A show named Fred, honestly? It's not hard to suck up a whole balloon filled with helium and then act like you're seven. Fred, grow up. He's acting jealous over a band-geek-bully who can only play Wang Chung's "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" on the piano. Then move onto 'Chopsticks' - way to impress the ladies, Fred. My baby cousin can play that, and she's 3.
The more this show goes on, the more I want to find him and kill him with a spoon. How do kids enjoy this crap? Seriously? Why can't kids enjoy normal shows, about normal people like 'Drake & Josh'? A great show about a semi-nerdy fat kid who becomes step brothers with a boy who plays guitar, and makes out with girls. Even look at 'Spongebob Squarepants'. A snail that meows, a squirrel in an astronaut suit, and a crab with whale for a daughter. I don't even want to know about the third one.
What happened to the good ol' cartoons like Tom & Jerry, or Ed, Edd, and Eddy? Oh, some writer thought that kids wanted to watch a 16 year old boy freak out like a five year old, or see how Phineas and Ferb file for bankruptcy after one summer.
I love television. And Sundays I get to spend all day watching it.

Love, Ralph.

Untitled.

I wanna have a dream
my dearest friends close in around me
Life's waiting to begin.

Here I am -
I cannot breathe
My hope has burned over time.

My eyes are burned open
As I wake up
and, I'm still alive.

Here we go.

Sincere Letter to a Toilet

Dear Toilet,

How are you? Honestly? Do you wish you were another brand? or had a wider base?
What about the people that sit on you? Too fat, too skinny? Tell me about it.

To be honest, I've never written a letter to a toilet before, but we do new things every day. For example, you might take a spider wrapped up in toilet paper. Speaking of toilet paper. How are you two? I hope you're working things out. Honestly, cheating on him with the plunger probably wasn't the best idea. I mean, I knew you weren't flushing right, but c'mon! The plunger? Nevermind.
I don't have many positive things to say about that one. I just can't stand seeing you flush away what you have with toilet paper. For heavens sakes. Can't you tell that the plunger gets around? I mean, no offense but he's kind of a player. He hits up all the other toilets in the house. I just.. I don't get it, just because he has a stick he thinks he can just go around and 'help out' the other toilets in the house. Whatever.. stupid players. I mean plungers.

Now I'm feeling angry, so I hope you have a nice day. Try not to get 'clogged' this week.

Sincerely,
     Soap in the Shower

P.S. You're looking kind of dirty.

You.

The iPod doesn't lie. When in doubt, put it on shuffle.

Dear You,

How are you? I hate small talk.

You, what about you?
When I think of you, what do I think of?

Sunshines, and butterflies, and rainbows?
No.
Not exactly.
I think about jealousy, passion, and what teenagers call 'love'.
It's riding a roller coaster, you are.
Not literally, pervert. But emotionally, you're 'Wicked'.

You, I can't stop thinking about you now.
I want you out, please.
Actually, since you're here.
Stay, have a cup of hot cocoa.
It is kind of chilly out.

I miss you.
But, that'll be our little secret.
You put me in a vertigo, each and every day.
I like not knowing which way is up.

Because, I'm thinking about you.
And that's all that matters.

Have a nice day.

Yours truly, Ralph.

Honey-Do List

You have been given direct orders to rock out.

Rock out like it's Halloween night, and you've got your Superman suit on, with your empty bag and a mindset to say "trick-or-treat" as many times as you can. Rock out like it's the last day of school, the biggest game of your life, like you just got an 'A' on your math test.

Rock out like you just filled your pillowcase with candy, like you just won the State championship, like you had the highest score in the class.

Rock out like she said 'yes'.


Rock out like you got all 7 digits this time.


Rock out like you just got paid. And yes, it's time for the money dance.

Rock out like you're black and you're proud.
Rock out like James Brown did while singing that song.

Rock out like you just found out that 2Pac, Biggie, and Michael Jackson are actually just chillin' in Tahiti.

Rock out like they didn't die.
Rock out because of what they did.

Rock out like you've got nothing but a chair, the sand, the ocean, a pretty girl, a notebook, a pen, and a cool glass of strawberry lemonade.

Rock out like Happy Gilmore when he finds his 'Happy Place'.

Rock out like the streets are empty, and all you want is to dance with your girl.
Rock out like you finally kissed the girl.

Rock out like you just hiked Mt Everest, and you're staring off the back edge gazing at the rest of the world.

Rock out like today is the last day of your life,
                                                            you just don't know it yet.